Just so you know;

I'm not okay with it...

So.

Things are getting difficult, and that sucks. Don't you hate it when 16 and 17-year-olds are hitting on you, despite your 15-year-old boyfriend? Fuck, man.

I hate it.

Man.

This is basically just to put up because I didn't post yesterday, because I was with my boyfriend, and I'm not sure how I feel about a few days ago...

But this has been on my mind for quite a few days, now.

So I decided to put it up.

Well, hope my readers are having a better summer than me.

Loves. xx

I feel humiliated.

I thought things were brightening up today, thinking I maybe found a friend in town that I could actually trust and be trusted with shit.

I felt like I was on top of the world.

Then, I hear from him that he's broken one of the first promises he's ever made to me- and I know he made the promise to himself.

If it were just a broken promise to me, then I might be able to bear with it. I did every time before. But now, he's breaking promises to himself, too.

I feel like I've failed him.

Like I've lost.

I'm sorry.

Emptyness.

It's like I'm drifting through the days. It's only a week into summer, and I feel like I need control of something.

Maybe that's why I love coaching so much, because I know I can control someone's life for the better to some extent. I know I can help them do better, be a better person, maybe even learn a thing or two.

For me, I just feel a haze, and I don't think most people realize how lost I really am. I know I act confident, pretend I know where I'm going and how to get there, but I have no idea. I know I can act and lie, but am I that good at it?

I guess what I really want is someone to notice...

hu · man : (hymn)

n.

1. A member of the genus Homo and especially of the species H. sapiens.
2. A person: the extraordinary humans who explored Antarctica.

adj.

1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of humans: the course of human events; the human race.
2. Having or showing those positive aspects of nature and character regarded as distinguishing humans from other animals: an act of human kindness.
3. Subject to or indicative of the weaknesses, imperfections, and fragility associated with humans: a mistake that shows he's only human; human frailty.
4. Having the form of a human.
5. Made up of humans: formed a human bridge across the ice.

I want you to take note of adj. 3. Think about this: Every sport we play as human, we focus on perfection. We want to be perfect, and we copy others who are "perfect" at what they do.

In the arts, we try and capture the beauty of something "perfectly" and have it the exact same.

Academics, we aim for perfection, and having perfect marks, making the honor roll, doing everything to "perfection.

We aim to be "perfect".

So what is perfect?

per·fect : (pûrfkt)

1. Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind.
2. Being without defect or blemish: a perfect specimen.
3. Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient.
4. Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation: She was the perfect actress for the part.
5.
a. Completely corresponding to a description, standard, or type: a perfect circle; a perfect gentleman.
b. Accurately reproducing an original: a perfect copy of the painting.
6. Complete; thorough; utter: a perfect fool.
7. Pure; undiluted; unmixed: perfect red.
8. Excellent and delightful in all respects: a perfect day.
9. Botany Having both stamens and pistils in the same flower; monoclinous.
10. Grammar Of, relating to, or constituting a verb form expressing action completed prior to a fixed point of reference in time.
11. Music Designating the three basic intervals of the octave, fourth, and fifth.
n.
1. Grammar The perfect tense.
2. A verb or verb form in the perfect tense.

So. Is it possible to be perfect at what we do? From what I see, no.

When you see someone doing something wrong, stop and think for a second. Are they doing it wrong, or are they just not doing it "perfectly"?

Wow. 2 posts in one day.

Well, you know who you are. I love you, and you know that. But lately, things are falling apart, or is that just what I see? Am I crazy? Is everything perfectly normal to you? Don't you feel this?

We're changing.

The both of us.

I just... I can't live without you. You are 90% of my life, and I rely on you.

In the beginning, we both thought putting too much faith, love, dependence on the other could be a bad idea. Please don't let it be, please. I will fall apart...

Why?

Why would you lie to yourself?

Why would you lie to me in lying to yourself?

I just don't understand you anymore.

It's like you're an entirely different person than the one I met so long ago....

And I just don't need to hear you, constantly acting happy, when I know you're not.

I KNOW you're not.

Why?

Hai.

So, basically, this blog's gonna be a bunch of rants and words that may make the reader cry.

I by no means am expecting anyone to read this.

It's for my personal wellbeing and use.

So calm your hating engines.

Anyways, I'll be back when I have something to talk about.

Peace. <3>